My Job Is Identity Theft

My Job is Identity Theft

After sliding the gear shift into park I hopped out on 9th and Main two blocks from Pablo's, the best Mexican restaurant in Aspen. I closed the door to my ’05 SUV and met up with some people who have titles with far more words then mine. Had top shelf margaritas, began with a slight slur, and then eyed down 40 year old woman who would have gone for a bit of me in a heart beat. Ate a shrimp laced enchilada, which was recommended by a local who I could tell on physical looks alone had a comprehensive understanding of eating. Grand Marnier neat then the bell rung and I called it a night.

You see, I had to head back to the upscale resort. I was staying at one of their Suites during my 5 day ‘work session’ where I would master the art of rock climbing, hike through the red reek trails, enjoy food and wine I can’t pronounce (albeit I can say enchilada with a spot on Spanish accent), all on company time. My credit couldn’t get me into a ’89 Volvo, and my possessions could be used in trade for a grilled Cuban from 7-11. But we aren’t talking about me. I live in a two bedroom apartment across from Lake Eola. My bank account dries up faster then a porn star ‘sans’ lubrication. I don’t even think I ever bought a bottle of wine on my own, unless you consider the ‘box stands’ of Franzia we pulled back in ’02. I live in Orlando…not even the nice part of Orlando. It’s time to figure out ‘x’ in this little equation.

The following statement may or may not be true:

“I am a 26 year old hack.”

That is not to say I am incompetent. I am not throwing a pity party. I don’t have that penciled in for about 2 more years and there are no Early Rewards programs currently redeemable. What I am saying is that Susan Shemmer, who was knocked up by 9th grade before I knew the accurate definition of 3rd base (which I think is a grossly inaccurate use of words…finger fucking…hypocrisy) could most likely bring the same skill set which has allowed me to enjoy a 6 days vacation out west in a four star hotel with spa and herbal body treatments, a outside heated pool with jacuzzi, two decks overlooking the entire rocky mountain region and a fireplace I can’t figure out how to turn on. The cost of the vacation….thanks client. Getting paid while I am out here…thanks employer. And I know it is very hard to be away from your wife and your new baby boy. Luckily I have neither and will be away from my crazy roommate (Not crazy ‘haha’ but crazy ‘uhoh’). YES, this is my job. And while it might not be like this all the time, it ain’t such a bad fucking place to be. Did I earn it? Is there someone more qualified? Am I growing as a strategic thinker? Could I be using this time more effectively and efficiently instead of typing away at 11pm?

The answer is ‘I don’t fucking care.” Bigger things my friends. You see, I got to get up at 10 tomorrow…got to go work out in the facility center, catch a dip in the pool then swing over to the Sauna so I can sweat out all the alcohol impurities. THEN I got to hit the shower and grab the valet so he can fetch my car as I want everything to be wrapped up because I don’t want to be late for my first meeting at noon…after all, it’s about a pretty compelling collateral piece.

I never met a hack who I didn’t admire.

Top 10 Things Never To Say To A Client

10. Were not breaking any laws using that photo in the layout...well, except maybe Megans Law.

9. My 'key takeaway' from this meeting is that you are a fucking prick and your wife is the pitcher. Sorry 'takeaways.'

8. If you just want to 'get your arms around it' try hitting the gym for 10 minutes and stop double fisting Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, fattie.

7. If you are so busy, why are you taking time to bitch?

6. If you don't understand why we are running in that publication, then you certainly won't understand why your husband is double downing on Rene from Accounting.

5. Are you sure we have enough feedback or should we ask fucking Ricky from IT?

4. I’m not saying I think the worst is going to happen and we’re going to lose everything and everyone’s going to get laid off, and the electric will get turned off and you will go under or anything.

3. I got your added value...in my pants.

2. It’s not 100% correct and accurate, but I think the consumer will get the gist of it.

1. Did you even go to college?

The VP's Wife - The Unsung Creative Director

A client going off their gut feeling is one thing...don't get me wrong, a fucking idiotic thing, but nonetheless one thing...going off an uneducated house wife who use to work in a small boutique shop that did interior design for mobile homes is totally different. Please dismiss the feedback upon hearing the words "My wife thinks..." unless you have the balls to reply with, "LeRon, who does outdoor advertising for free food on Church Street thinks this layout is the 'money shot' of magazine advertisments."

The Clients Understanding Is Immense

The conversation and parts of this email have been changed to protect the innocent (me) and the douche bag (client).


-----Reply Message-----
From: Douche Bag
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2005 4:34 PM
To: Innocent
Cc: Moron, Fucknut, Imbesol, Reject, Gut Feeling
Subject: Curiousity

No clue - Just doing what I am told. I would guess it was because we wanted to drive more interest on our special days.
Later
P.S. Curiosity killed the cat

-----Original Message-----
From: Innocent
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2005 1:09 PM
To: Deusch Bag
Subject: Curiousity

Why did you switch from triple points to triple entries? More cost effective for operations or just think this will drive more interest among our target ?

Sincerely,
Innocent


The information contained in this email is electronic....yup...electronic. Please note that we can find who you are if you curse. Please also note that no one has ever read the disclaimer at the bottom of any email message, but more importantly, no one would listen to the disclaimer if they ever did take the five seconds to read this fucking disclaimer.

My Gut Feeling

Strap on your helmet because it's war muther fuckas! Yes, everyday when you walk in past the outdated posters, which ran to a standing ovation in 1977, by the newspaper ads in B&W, which are framed and full of Greeked copy, past the Direct Mail design which garnered the agency negative $20,000...you arrive at your desk to face an advesary not seen since the infamous Zabka of 80's fame.

With your boss? Absolutely not. Find someone higher then him. Get them to agree with your opinion. Watch boss bend like plado.

With your co-workers? Yeah, cuz it makes tons of sense to be at war with people who are as jaded and selfish as yourselve....OH, and as smart...cause we are so intelligent and not hack infested liars.

Other Departments? No, because if you want to use PMS Color 189 for the logo, recomended a full page in the Jewish Journal, and decide to print on Utopia 100 with a spot varnish I could really give two shits and a teapot.

You are at War with the gut feeling. The feeling the client gets which is inept of reason, blank of logic and empty of sense.

Screw running a targeted online campaign, lets go with the full page four color verticals in Snowmobiling Magazine. We do want to be known as the "Snowmobiling Mecca of the South East" plus my wife's friend from college reads it and says its out of this world.

Logic: 0 Gut Feeling: 1

I like the body copy but lets get rid of the word 'fun.' Oh, why you ask? Because what is 'fun.' A good time you answer. But what is a 'good time.' That means nothing to me. Take out 'fun' and take out 'good', especially when it is followed by 'time.' G-d you guys should really be writing this stuff and should know our brand.

Sense: 0 Gut Feeling: 2

FINAL ROUND!

Oh my G-d this is GREAT! This is perfect this is amazing...but we think you can do better.
Excuse me?
YES, better! We want to see the "Wow" factor.
What is the "Wow" factor?
You know, something that isn't run of the mill.
Meaning???
You know, blows are hair back!
So what is wrong with this layout?
Just do another one damn it you can do better!
Glad someone thinks so, because I sure as hell don't!

Reason: 0 Gut Feeling:3

GAME OVER

When reason, reliability and sense just won't do, take solace in the greatest feeling of all...the GUT FEELING!